Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
