I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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