mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was born a porn star she said
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
