I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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