I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
