She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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