When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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