just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
