Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
