booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Is it because I queefed?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
