It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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