got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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