final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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