Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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