the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
