Well apparently he's into motor boating.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
