I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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