Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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