great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
