at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
