before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
