I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
