just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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