I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
