he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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