Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
