Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
