I've blown a few things in my day
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
