the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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