Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
