Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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