i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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