He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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