You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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