I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
