I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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