Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
