I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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