i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
