Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
