How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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