tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
