I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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