oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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