I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
