So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
