i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
