Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
