Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
And then he peed in my hair
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