I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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