Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
